Existing physically but having no Existence soulfully.

Hey, My good-wishers! It's been a long time that I haven't posted. Pardon me for that. All these days I was onto something which would help me to develop myself. And, you might have already guessed, this time I've posted my blog on a different platform rather than Medium.

Thanks to Shradha Poudel for introducing me to this platform. I think this blogging site might be an authentic Nepali web product because all the users I've seen till now in this site are Nepali. I am not moving to this platform completely because I started writing on Medium. Now I've something in my mind right now. i.e. Janani Janma Bhumicha Swarga Dapi Gariyesi(जननी जन्मभूमिश्च स्वर्गादपि गरीयसी): Well, this is the line when Lord Laxman asked Lord Ram to stay on Lanka cause there was lot's of wealth and stuffs. This line explains mother and motherland are far better than heaven.

Now, Let's get to the point.

Now, where to start? Hmm. Let's not go back long. So, for some past months, I was trying to learn new skills related to programming and stuff. Luckily I managed to learn some skills. But What I was realizing was Whenever I tried to study I would get lost in my thinking and would end the day procrastinating myself.

Some examples of what I would be thinking are

  1. Everyone is expecting including college staff and, crush that I should out-stand the 1st semester's board exam and that's a very weighted expectation from me. I was always afraid of what would they think If I am not able to do so. I think of quitting all these things most of the time cause I can't hold that responsibility.
  2. As always I love meeting seniors and taking their suggestions cause they already had been through my stage. One suggestion that I've been taking seriously is "You should build the skill, nobody is going to ask your grade in the real world.". Damn, I was raised in such a family where the grade does matter. Now, As always, I'm in a dilemma. I always ask myself "Should I build the empire of skills or should I get good grades but I can't have both cause I don't have that ability." This is the major cause that is stopping me to do something.

Nowadays I don't feel as good as before, don't love the things that I used to. Also, there is one thing that I always hate to hear is "You're so talented! "

F**k, whenever I hear that I would sneak a peek to myself and I compare to other guys I know and, I feel like I don't even exist. I know that sounds rude, sorry for that but to be honest I am not extra, I am average but those who take me as extra are below average. I wanna tell my people, that I am such person who just love to learn things but one thing they can't see is I am not perfect to any single thing.

Damn, I think I should stop overthinking!

Sorry, I was outta topic! "Existing physically but having no Existence soulfully" meant I was always there physically but I was never there from my soul. In my family, parents always take me as a dumbest one, who couldn't do single thing perfectly and forgets things easily, kinda selfish. This always makes feel I don't exist there even when I was there. That's the reason I always love to be out of the house.

Other factor is, Most of the time I would get lost in my own so called "कल्पना को संसार ". Even when I am listening to the lectures I would get lost on that place. This keeps happening to me! 

Wait! The blog went too long! Umm, I think I should stop here otherwise I don't know what I'll be saying! Thanks for reading my blog and till then peace out.

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Author: Sangya Sherpa

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Email: sangyasherpa2058@gmail.com