I fear


‘Doctor Abinash, we are losing him! Doctor! His heart rate is dropping. What do we do?’ ‘Get it ready. Prepare  defibrillator’ 1..2..3(shock) Again. 1..2..3..Again..1..2..3..We cannot lose him! Again..1..2..3

*beep*We…lost him doctor.’


It was May20, year 2020. The day my life was torn apart. All of my hard work, my dedication, my effort came clashing down. My education, my knowledge, my skills had failed me and I had failed as a doctor to save a life. I failed..I was aggrieved. The situation in the hospital was getting out of control. The world was in chaos after the outbreak of corona virus and as it had been declared pandemic, the condition was worsening. In Nepal, it was abominable. Total infected case had crossed 2000 in less than in 2 days and people were all terrified.


I remember that day vividly. Every moments come in a flash like it happened just yesterday. After he died, well after we couldn’t save him, I came out of the OT. I was still in may OT dress, my hands drenched in blood and I told his guardian that we couldn’t save him. I know what it’s like to hear those words. Knowing your beloved ones are no longer with you, it is agonizing. I was talking to his guardians, trying to explain it was out of our control and we did everything we could but we couldn’t save him.


As I was telling, out of nowhere I was hit by a powerful punch on my face. I fell down on ground and when I finally looked up there were approximately 7 guys surrounding me. They started punching me, kicking me on the stomach, they even had rackets and hockey stick with them. I was bleeding from everywhere. My jaw was broken, my nose was bleeding, my leg had a broken bone, my hands have been stepped upon so it was probably fractured. I don’t know how long the harassment lasted. The last thing I remember before I swooned was my arms being coerced.


When I woke up, I was in my hospital, only this time I was the patient. I was been acquainted by my colleague. I had multiple fracture , major being my right arm and my left leg. I asked what happened to my attackers. She said that hospital had to take the responsibility for the loss and will be giving the family compensation.  


I was desolated. It wasn’t our fault. We did everything we could then why?? Why is it always doctors fault when someone dies and God’s miracle when we save a life? We doctors, dedicate our whole life on saving people. Working 36 hours continuously, no time to eat or rest.  we have been working in this pandemic putting our own lives in danger. Risking our own safety we have been working for their safety, trying to cure the disease, bring the situation in control. don’t we deserve a little bit of appreciation, a little respect? Instead of thanking us, we been attacked? Accused? Threatened? How do they accept us to work when our lives are in danger? I don’t fear of being infected by corona virus, nor do I fear dying. What I fear is being attacked again, harassed again, accused of false statement again, being questioned about my ethics again.  


‘doctor Abinash, doctor Abinash! Can you hear me? We have something important to discuss with you. It is about your health condition. You will be back in your feet in a month or may be a bit longer but during the attack your hands were severely damaged. I am afraid to say doctor, but you might not be able to perform a surgery anymore. I am so sorry Abinash.’ I cannot perform surgery anymore! I .. I.. I am no longer a surgeon?! I spent 10 years studying medicine just so I could be a surgeon and save people’s lives. That has been my only dream, my only desire. What..what am I now? Who am I ? What do I do with my life? Well, there you go, you scumbags, you did it. You made my life miserable. You succeeded in making me useless, worthless piece of crab. You win, I lost..


PS:  The recent attack on doctor of NMC cannot be taken lightly. In this darkest time all the medical people are doing the best they can to help us, cure us, save us. The least we can do is be thankful, respect them, give them applaud. They deserve to be appreciated for their hard work and their dedication. They are working day and night , not caring even a bit for their own safety just to keep us safe. This is a critical time and it is very crucial that we stay together, help each other, and help doctors. They are human beings too, they have family, they loved ones too, they are scared as well. So let us show some love, compassion to all the health workers who are fighting for us. Stay safe!