P.S i miss you

I was going through my friend`s note, there I saw writing on the last page of her copy. Well, something unusual because she, as I know her wasn't much expressive about her feelings but was a very even-tempered person. Her boy had just gone abroad for more education. Her letter went like this.

 

I miss you. I think this phrase would be an understatement as per my feelings now. Now since you`re gone I don`t have anything to say. You have become my habit now. I was aware but I ignored the reality that you are not going to be there forever. I will not have the same enthusiasm or any kind of excitement to be in the workplace, nothing seems to be as fascinating and colorful as it used to be before. You have taken them all with you, that`s so mean(funny laugh). The motive to look good for you, to glow from inside in inner happiness, to walk here and there to get your glance and feeling bad if I don`t see you as if I had wasted the opportunity is completely insane. I now can`t share everything with you, about happenings in my workplace, about what I feel, what others did, every detail that happened daily, feeling of 'you own me', and 'i own you'; feeling of 'you won me' and 'i won you', feeling of wanting your time and willingness to give my time, being childish to get ready to share every petty thing that happened whenever you are free. It's so beautiful to be ready to take on your own fuss and create your own fuss to attract my heart. It was a tornado of emotions, being happy, being sad, being philosophical, being stupid, being selfish, being kind, being matured, being childish, being practical, being emotionally flown, and everything in between. Moments when I felt you`re the one to moments I felt why are you near yet so far are still so confusing to me. Automatically generating expectations from you, be it in words or your actions, and getting angry at you for not fulfilling and being angry on self for keeping such high expectation are so baseless yet so adorable things that I have imprinted in my brain. Now I don`t have anything to say to you, I can`t be 'the dramatic girl anymore', I need to be calmer and composed to show you that I am okay and shall support you. You are busy, but I know it`s not your fault either. I, being ambitious myself can understand the importance of passion and dreams. But it isn`t easier as said, is it? No, not especially being a girl.

 

You might think I am like any other girl who is possessive about you, I am not sure; am I? Something is going on in my head, I have no word to explain it. The fear of losing you, what if you find someone more beautiful, more worthy, more matured, more loving, more wife-material, more practical occupies my mind but I know I can`t cage you because it`s no the way of life and on the other hand I would be suppressing you, that`s inhuman. Hey dear, you explore everyone, and even then if you come to me, then I will feel I deserve you so you go on. I have a list of curiosity, Will you miss me? Will you remember me in meantime? Will you care about me like what I would be doing here? Will you occupy your head with my thoughts? Sounds very funny, but why am I acting this way, god knows. I am equally happy for your progress but at the same time, I am lacking interest, concentration, and passion for everything I am doing today. A sudden chill of being empty and loneliness is surrounding me, I am getting lost even though I am present physically but don`t worry I am trying not to suffer from an existential crisis. This is insane but I am continually praying for your health and fruitful every day, wishing you receive beautiful compliments wherever you go.

 

I am okay now, I am trying to get back to my, as usual, boring days...

 

''Oh my god! what are you reading?'', she screamed from the door. Sorry I couldn`t finish everything she wrote.