Paranoia

PARANOIA-II

Afterlife

Athena was running away from something vicious and evil. Arwen was asleep in the backseat. Though she couldn’t see the road clearly, she was driving as fast as she could. It’s unusual to rain in October, but that night the sky poured its heart out with lightning and thunder. The piercing shriek of the frogs and toads added chills to her spine.

It's almost dawn by now, and Arwen is still asleep. Athena opened the windows. She could smell the wilderness of the pines and hear the calls of the seagulls. Gently placing her hands on her chest, she took a deep breath of relief. She looked around, the highway was almost silent, all she could hear were the seagulls and sea waves. She put Arwen in the trolley and moved towards the sea. The fresh breeze brushed her hair.They say when you have a broken mind- you go to a doctor, when you have a broken heart- you go to the ocean. All these five oceans and infinite seas won't fill the hole Mary left behind. Staring deep into the ocean, Athena takes off her sandals and walks towards it. She stared wistfully at the sunrise with sadness and a heavy heart. How amazing is it to witness that big ball of fire to calmy emerge from the ocean ? Somewhere in this Earth, there must be an ocean where the same ball of fire dives into the water, so as to emerge calmer on the other side on another day.

When you are near an open ocean, all you do is contemplate your past and those choices you made. Only things that are real are pain and loneliness. Happiness can fade away just as quickly as it came but the pain never leaves you, pain is always there, lurking in the shadows, awaiting your call.

It was the month of June. They were both smoking pots in the garden while gazing at the starry sky.

“Is everything okay? You have barely looked at me ?When you turn away from my gaze when I fix my eyes on you, it bothers me.”, said Athena—running her fingers through Mary's hair.

“It’s never okay, you know ? ……This constant pain that lies in my heart whenever I think about us, it never goes away. The idea that I will never be with you is rotting my heart and eating away at my spirit. Our inability to be together despite our love for one another is the biggest sorrow, my love.”, said Mary in a gibberish tone.

I understand the sentiment. In that situation, neither of us should bear the blame as we were both young and exploring. I'm pleased that you've found happiness in your marriage. Our shared experiences have led us to this point, and I would advise against dwelling on the sorrowful past or an unpredictable future. I've consistently cared for you throughout your various emotional phases, and that devotion still remains inside of me.

Athena's expressions were unusually intricate, and Mary had never encountered such eloquent words from her before. With tears in her eyes, Athena tightly held Mary by the waist, and in a quivering whisper, she expressed,“I just hope my nightmare doesn’t come true”

“Do you still have nightmares?”

“All these secrets breed paranoia and when you are paranoid you are never really alone. All I have are nightmares, paranoia and our memories.”

“I don’t understand, will you do the trouble of elaborating?” said Mary in a pejorative tone.

"I acknowledge that I hurt you, but that doesn't justify seeking solace with everyone you encounter. It's crucial to consider ending the pregnancy promptly. Proceeding with it could not only jeopardize your own life but also negatively impact your husband's life and the future of the unborn child."

The contemptuous tone coming from Athena vexed her nerves.

"I understand that trust is a challenge for you, but those with trust issues often find their greatest betrayer in the mirror. Let's not dwell on that argument." A brief silence followed. In moments when your heart is burdened with myriad emotions, silence can echo the loudest screams.

“ What kind of dream are you talking about?”

“The kind of nightmares that often come true”, said Athena.

The Nightmare and The Dream

Athena, exhaling a puff, shared, "It was a partially nightmarish dream, consisting of two phases. The first, a positive one, where the recurring sound of your voices echoes in my dreams. Perhaps closing my eyes now could still bring back that comforting resonance in my subconscious. The second phase, however, is a partial nightmare."

“Tell me everything. I am anxious to hear just like the old times.”

And the nightmare went on like this:

Athena was standing In front of a pond. It was a hot summer day and the wind was blowing gently. She looked across at the man with the fishing pole. She could see the man being greatly startled, he must’ve felt something pulling his fishing rod. Athen lends her hands to pull the rod. When it eventually emerged from the water, the bait was caught, much to its amazement it was stuck to a woman's forehead. Aquatic plants of every description were growing out of the woman's body. She was holding a dead baby. Summoning courage from deep within, Athena rose to get a glimpse of the woman's face, only to find it disfigured by a hook. Her one eye bulged out and her face appeared to be held together by a thin thread. One could still see blood oozing out from her neck as she breathed. The woman started to walk away limping like a wounded soldier, holding her baby with her cold dead hands which were dripping blood and painted the grass crimson red. Athena got furious, and she got down on her knees. Unexplainable anxiety troubled her as if the entire universe weighed on her shoulders, her eyes filled with tears, her heart filled with an unexplainable urge, and she screamed “Speak to me in some way. I have a right to the complete truth..” But all she could hear was “Remember the moments. Remember the night when you held my cold hands and we danced on the roof……….” The voice and the woman began to fade, much like the colors of autumn leaves gradually falling from the grace of spring, one by one, leaving the trees vulnerable. The man appeared frozen, almost lifeless. Just as Athena was on the verge of reaching for the woman's hands, the mysterious figure abruptly seized Athena from behind, fixing her with cold, piercing eyes. The woman held her firmly, then uttered, "You killed all three of us." Athena averted her gaze, and in an instant, the surroundings by the pond were eerily empty, except for the lifeless bodies of a woman, a child, and a man.

Upon awakening from the dream, Athena sought to unravel the metaphorical meanings embedded within its narrative. It was an obscure dream. She went back to her bed and again she was in a dream, but this felt like a whole different dimension and the previous dimension was visible through a small hole in the sky. The hole connected everyone and everything around the city. She was In Front of a small house painted in white. She saw a beautiful inscrutable woman at the roof smiling down at her. Mary smiled back; her expression a blend of embarrassment and a peculiar mix of love and seduction coursing through her body. The woman wore a long pink shawl covering her head. She had big dark eyes and thick long hair that were flowing along with the motion of the breeze. From the rooftop, the woman tossed a key and signaled Athena to remain silent, pressing her lips into a pout and placing her index finger against them. The door was locked from outside. Athena went directly to the roof. The woman greeted her with a smile, extending her hands and inviting Athena to dance with her. Her hands were warm but her eyes were cold, they demanded more than a dance. Those were the hauntingly lonely eyes. They demanded love, maybe they deserved love more than anyone else. 

As "La Vie En Rose" played on the radio, Athena whispered to the woman, "You look adorable." In response, the woman embraced Athena, planting a gentle kiss on her neck. Though just a delicate touch of lips, it submerged Athena's soul into a magical fluid, sinking in a funereal pace. The woman vanished, leaving Athena alone in the cold night. Gazing at the sky, it resembled the starry masterpiece from a Van Gogh painting.

Athena woke up, lit up the cigarette, and wondered about the recent dream. She thought “Love is not just a simple emotion but a profound and enigmatic force that demands more than surface-level interactions.”

To love someone and suffer from the emotions without letting them know is truly the most powerful thing one can endure. Maybe the people who seek closure are motivated by the feeling of being in control. Maybe it's selfish to ask for closure- then again to love someone desperately is itself a selfish act.

The Birth

They were both eighteen when they first realized their sexual orientation. It was a fine Friday morning and Athena was already late for her history class. She hurriedly moved her tiny little fingers to unlock her locker but the old rusty junk won’t open so easily. 

“It must be the wrong combinations”, said Mary, opening her locker.

Athena was surprised to discover that her combinations were incorrect.

"Oh, thank you! I tend to get a bit clumsy and nervous when I'm in a hurry."

"Are you the one who had a disagreement with Mrs. Smith in the History class?"

"Are you in history class too? It's funny how I haven't noticed you until now. In the world of history, how did you manage to escape my attention?" Athena asked with a grin and curious eyes.

They shared smiles as their eyes met.

Mary often sat joyfully in the cafeteria, enjoying her own company. Dressed in blue jeans and a floral shirt, she stood out at five feet six inches tall, with curly brown hair and captivating brown eyes that made her the center of attention.

"Ever notice how everyone's gaze is fixed on you? You're, without a doubt, the most charming and sophisticated girl I've ever seen," Athena observed, taking a seat across the same table.

Expressing some discontent and casting a sidelong glance at the envious white cheerleaders, Mary responded with a touch of disappointment, "I don't quite fit in... Being the only black girl here, it's not surprising. I've grown up feeling those judgmental stares. So, am I just here for your amusement, huh?" With these candid words, she walked away, muttering under her breath.

When Athena found Mary, she was washing her eyes. Maybe the words that meant simple to Athena were far more complicated to Marry.  Each soul harbors its distinctive definition of beauty, interpreting the world through the prism of self-perception. In that profound moment, Athena grasped the fragility of emotions. Like the gentle rustle of leaves, she acknowledged the necessity for her feelings not to be contagious toward Mary.

Athena felt an inexplicable pull towards Mary. They stood close, the bathroom's large mirror reflecting the charged atmosphere between them. The room was filled with a subtle fragrance of lavender, creating an intimate ambiance. Athena, attempting a comforting hug, found her lips inexplicably drawn towards Mary's. Their eyes locked, holding a promise of a shared moment.

As their lips met, the world seemed to pause. The taste of anticipation lingered, and the gentle exchange of kisses spoke volumes. Mary, in that tender moment, discovered a magnetic connection that had silently enticed her towards Athena from the very beginning. The bathroom, though a seemingly ordinary setting, became a witness to the blossoming romance, with the mirror reflecting the newfound intimacy between Athena and Mary.

She looked right into her eyes and here she could feel the affinity with her, she felt as if they had been united with each other’s souls for decades. Sometimes it’s the feeling you get when you hold someone and you are present in the moment right there and everything seems to be moving slower and the world doesn’t seem to exist at all. Nothing seems more significant than the lover’s arm.

Charlotte came in along with her girlfriends. 

“Look at the insolence of the nigger and the sinister homo. They make me puke.”, said Charlotte in disgust. She took out her lipstick and wrote "Mary- a nigger-slut and Athena- a nigger-fucking-whore."

Everything In Between

The high school days were full of utopian memories. There was nothing to prove, love cannot be proved nor can it be reasoned with.  However, societal norms, backed by certain religious beliefs, labeled their love as "abominable," leading to Athena's expulsion from her family home. Now facing the harsh reality of homelessness, the world outside was unwelcoming, refusing to provide shelter to a homosexual couple. The moment Athena was expelled by her parents she pledged to herself that she will not be simple and sweet. She will not be what people tell her to be.

Though it seemed untouched for decades, shelter always comes at a cost. On the other hand, Athena effortlessly obtained a room in the supposedly righteous white neighborhood, inhabited by the so-called devout followers of God. Little did they know, this marked the exquisite beginning of a horrifying journey toward an uncertain end.

Back in those days, there used to be agencies who would get you a job as a cleaner or as a chef or as a babysitter in the rich people's houses down the southern avenue. After consenting to a commission of a quarter of her salary, she was placed in the role of a cook. Her duties took her to Athena’s household on Wednesday. Wednesday became a cherished day for Athena and Mary, a weekly opportunity to reunite. After they were done with the household, both would sneak up to the storage and feel each other's presence which they fantasized in their dreams. Nowhere more comfortable than the lover's hug and nowhere safer than the lover's heart. Nothing is softer than the lover's kiss and nothing is warmer than the lover's breath. There were moments when tears flowed freely, and Athena and Mary would embrace each other for hours. Other times, they engaged in heartfelt conversations about their past, envisioning a haven where they could find happiness together. In this imagined place, judgment was absent, and the measure of one's character held more weight than the color of skin or sexual orientation in the eyes of God.

In the midst of middle school, as Mary navigated her sophomore years, she came to terms with her identity as a bisexual girl. However, the outside world remained unaccepting and intolerant of her sexuality. Both Mary and Athena knew that their relationship had to end someday and little did they know that it would be the end of their world. One cannot live their entire life running away, hiding their true essence. After all, we are humans and sooner or later everyone reveals their true nature.

The Death of Mary

Kurt, a white young man, was the son of one of the town's landlords, while Mary, the object of his affection, was a black woman. Love, however, transcends the boundaries imposed by society. It would seem ludicrous to reject the proposal of matrimony from Kurt. Isn't it ironic how our fate is determined by other people and we can do nothing about it?

After Kurt returned from the Army, Mary had a serious fight with Kurt. She defended herself and her baby with all her might. With Arwen by her side, she locked the door to the space. Kurt was slamming the door with whatever little strength he had left in him. The scene unfolded in torment, an eerie atmosphere settling over the space. His swearing and elaborate expressions of emotions lingered in her ears.

Lately, Kurt has been delirious. After all, Arwen wasn't his daughter.  Mary couldn’t be loyal to her man. She regularly kept facing the conundrum of her inner judgment. The intricacy of inner voices is more intricate than they sound. Mary kept holding her daughter firmly and swore to the gods that she would protect Arwen with her life. She relaxed her head beside a wall- squatting on the floor. When she woke up, Arwen was asleep and the banging on the door had ceased. 

It was the moment when she felt she had the only opportunity to flee, and meet Athena and live the rest of her life in peace. But destiny had something else in store. Mary moved out of the room. It was pitch dark, she moved each step cautiously without making a sound. Her heart was thumping with terror. Finally, she reached outside, took the truck, and started to drive out. 

The screeching of the tires roused Kurt up. Once he realized that his wife was driving away from him, his soul left its place and something evil took over him. He was enraged, he could feel his blood coursing through his veins. He took his motorbike and started to pursue Mary. 

Mary halted at a telephone booth and dialed Athena. The tone in Mary's voice struck a terror, one that Athena had never heard before. Despite the unease, they agreed to rendezvous at the familiar Cuban bar. 

As rain began to blur the road, the world outside distorted. In the midst of the haze, a colossal figure, reminiscent of Satan, materialized before her eyes. Reacting swiftly, she slammed the brakes, causing the truck to skid and collide forcefully with the fence. When her eyes reopened, a shadowy figure stood, clutching something. In that fleeting moment, Mary sensed her life slipping away. Casting one last gaze at her daughter, Arwen, who had ceased crying, reached out to grasp her mother's hands. Abruptly, an unseen force pulled Mary out, severing her connection even from the touch of her daughter's hand.

Kurt was standing with his one leg shoving Mary's head bitterly on the ground. He was crying maniacally, his eyes were bloodthirsty, the devil side of him, the rage whispered to him. He struck a blow to Mary's head, it rolled down the road like a bowling ball. He picked up her head, and kissed her blood stained lips. 

Closing his eyes, Kurt began to yell, "Lord! My Lord! Alleviate her soul from disgrace and anguish, take her into your grace." His lips, stained red with blood, quivered as he articulated his anguish and suffering from the depths of his heart.

He glimpsed inside the car, Arwen had fallen from her seat, in the pitch darkness and rain he couldn't see her. He was enraged, he cut his palm with a knife and took a vow to kill Arwen too. He took her head in one hand and a gallon of kerosene in another and went deep into the woods. 

In a solemn ritual, Kurt proceeded with care. He cleansed her with alcohol, meticulously erasing every trace of blood from his hands, leaving the crimson stains on his lips untouched. Creating a circle on the ground, he inscribed three triangles within and at the center, a skull with three eyes. Closing his eyes, he declared, "I hereby announce you free. All I did was love you unconditionally, and you betrayed my trust. I am a mortal man incapable of forgiveness, as forgiving is the Lord's work. I leave the rest to my Lord." Spraying kerosene over her face, he lit a matchstick and watched as the flames engulfed her. The crackling fire elevated him, the scent of burning flesh and the eruption of bones providing an eerie satisfaction to his spirit. In that moment, he felt alive, as if a heavy stone crushing his soul had been lifted.

He took out his cigarette and took a deep whiff of smoke. Looking at the sky he said to himself   " We all live inside each other’s Paranoia".

Athena found the truck abandoned on the highway. When something sinister is about to take place, you could feel it in your bones. The consistent apprehension and urge and helplessness make you anticipate fate. Athena went near the car, she saw Arwen sound asleep. She saw a body lying on the road. She noticed the ring in Mary's hand. She dropped to her knees, her eyes were staring at the body, she lost her senses for a moment. She positioned the body on the driver's seat, closed the door, took Arwen with her and left the place as soon as possible. 

While Athena was driving, her whole life flashed before her eyes. She spoke to herself " I've always wanted to fall for someone, love them unconditionally, feel their presence In my arms and share our love through the pitch silence incurred while we look into each other’s eyes and not just see and cherish how beautiful they are but discover the pain they've been concealing just so that they could smile in front of you and enlighten your day. But look what fate has served me.". 

Mary was as gorgeous as the moon and Athena was just another star in the void; yes Athena was more radiant but Mary was in  the void and so distant that she seemed to be camouflaged in the darkness of the void."

Love is extravagant. Love is omnipresent. Love is nihilistic but still beholds infinite meaning. Love is selfish and selfless. Love is cruel but affectionate. The theoretical notion of love is complex and cannot be defined with bare sentiments. A person in search of its meaning can never actually fall in love. Love is a singular dot that constructs everything we feel. But what makes a dot ?