They say oblivion is inevitable. There was a life before humans and there will be life after us. Wanting to be remembered forever is absurdity. They say, you cannot always be happy. You cannot always stay at the highs, you need to walk through the lows as well, but how do I say, I have been in the low for a long time now. I don’t remember the last time I was genuinely happy or the last time I laughed out so loud. How do I say to the world, I don’t want to be remembered by everyone, but I wish there would be someone who would miss me when I am gone?
The feeling of wanting to be wanted lingers in the corner of my heart. Yet attachment scares me away. I want to be connected to someone but I fear of connection. I want to be completely open up but the fear of being vulnerable gets better of me. I too want to express how I am feeling, all my raw emotions, but the possibility of being vulnerable in front of somebody stops me to do so.
I don’t even know how normal feels anymore. How the days feel without a heavy heart or unwelcomed breakdowns? How do I pretend to be okay when I break in the middle of the sentence? And I can’t even burst into tears because then, there will be hundreds of questions thrown at me.. Why are you crying? Are you okay? Are you hurt somewhere? What’s wrong? Are you on your periods? And it is never ending. While I stay in silence, staring at them, not finding words to say. How do I answer those questions when I don’t have answer to them?
How do I say, I am struggling with mental illness. I might laugh with the others, participate in the conversations, even go out and socialize. But during the night, I am completely broken. I cry until my tears run out, I scream at the top of my lungs and i..i just feel like completely giving up. Every morning I wake up gathering all the energy I can get. ‘today is going to be a good day. Today I am gonna be happy and stay positive. Today I will only focus on positivity.’ But by the end of the day I run out of my energy. I am completely exhausted.
Believe me I am trying. I am trying to be optimistic, focusing on all the blessing. I am trying to keep myself going. But someday I just can’t, someday I just get tired and feel lonely. And this is the normal life of anyone who is not mentally healthy.
If you have been here the whole time reading the whole thing, and you can relate to this too, I just want to let you, I am so proud of you. Everyone has their individual journey. And you cannot, absolutely cannot compare one’s struggle with another. No one’s struggle is less painful than the others. If you are not okay then you are not okay. If the smallest things hurt you, you have every right to say you are hurt. If you feel everything deeply, it doesn’t make you too sensitive. If you cry on the little things, you are not weak. If you cannot bear as much pain as you brother or your sister or your friend, don’t beat yourself. Just because he could handle it or she didn’t breakdown doesn’t mean you have to do the same. If you are not okay, it is alright. If you are tired of trying you can take rest. This was never about who reaches the finish line first.
If you are having hard time expressing yourself, take all the time you need. If you are uncomfortable in any scenario but the whole world seems to be comfortable, you don’t have to pretend to be comfortable. If people around you do not understand what you are going through, it is not your job to give an explanation. You focus on you. You do you and the rest of the world will fall in place. Just know this, you are a fighter. You are literally one of the strongest person in this world and you are not alone.